How am I worn out already?

It was back to the grindstone this week for me. I had to take my tiniest fan to Mary Poppins' house so she could enjoy all of his snuggle and love.

It was a semi crazy busy week at work. There have been a lot of changes in my three month absence and there are a lot of new faces. Also new is the hovering sense of negativity that my coworkers seem to be swimming in. I have decided to make it my mission to change this. There will be more details to come.

My life really isn't too intriguing right now. I am trying to get used to getting up and going to work every day to be a cubicle creature once again. I have made it my mission to really ignore the drama and the office politics. This will be quite the challenge because some of it's juicy, some of it's too good to ignore but most of it is so mundane and elementary to even give it a thought makes me a moron.

We have been doing lots of church related activities. It's nice to know that God will be the one constant in my life no matter what transpires.

Tomorrow is Monday and it will be my first full week back to work. I hope to be able to blog more frequently through the week as I get used to getting not only myself but two other people up for work. Coming home, eating dinner, doing tiny people bath time and working out all in one day.

Wish me luck!!

Make it matter.

Today is the last day of my 12 week maternity leave and then it's back to the workforce for me. It's so sad for me. This time off was shorter and different from the time off I had with Rylan. Rylan was 5 1/2 months old when I finally found a job after she was born. My mother-in-law lived with us and watched the kids when I went back to work with her.

With Witten I have gotten shorter time but more time. For the most part it's just been he and I in our own little mommy/baby world. I haven't had to really share him with anyone once everyone was of to work and school. I also got to spend 3 weeks with Rylan during her holiday breaks from school and a month with my husband while he was off of work due to an illness. It hurts my heart to realize that this time off will be the most time I spend with my children for the rest of their lives because we are a two income household.

We have to have a two income household to exist financially. I know that we could always downsize everything and live off of one income but what fun would that be? We wanted to live in Keller, we wanted to have nice things. This is just the sacrifice I and many other mothers like me have to make.

This time off has been just as relaxing as it has been stressful. As always my main cause of stress has been about money but we have gotten by. Lots of prayer and deep breaths staved off quite a few panic attacks for me during the pre-Christmas period. I know that the Lord has answered my prayers and we are starting to bound back from Hubs going a month without working.

So tomorrow I will load my tiny little baby up early early in the morning and leave him in the care of a very dear friend. I of course have the insane fear that he will forget me. I know that is silly but he's so tiny and I always have this thought that babies have the memory span of a chihuahua. I know that he will love me and give me that gummy baby smile when I get home. I know that I will still be able to watch him grow. I also take comfort in knowing he is in the care of someone who will love him as her own. That will send me pictures and give me updates when he does something silly. I know he won't just be another spot in the roster as so many other day cares are.

I think I'll keep my power of prayer thanks.

Please explain to me the double standard of persons who do not believe in Christ can feel free to judge people who do but the second that Christ follower brings up their beliefs it's a faux pas and we should just shut our mouths?

I think I will keep my power of prayer thank you. And no, I don't need you to tell me it doesn't work and I'm a follower blah blah blah. And yes, I will speak to you about my Lord and my love for Him. I'm not going to come beating on you with my Bible but if I feel compelled, we can have a chat.

For those friends of mine who think of religion as a crock I hope this speaks to you. That you will stop and think before you think to speak out against a persons beliefs.

To my friends who are Christ followers I hope you as well can respectively stick up for your beliefs when someone thinks it's their place to tell you what a mistake you are making.

I'm not being a proponent of the religious debate. I just think a little common courtesy is in order. I know it's a standing issue that has lasted for generations but darnit. It's SO ANNOYING. What works for you may not work for me. I have seen the miracles Christ has worked in my life. You may choose to say these things happened by chance but really what you think does not matter. What matters is in what is in my heart.

Life without the internet

I am at the end of my maternity leave and I am running out of things to entertain myself with. So today I sat thinking of what my life would have been like if we had never gotten the internet my freshman year in high school. Back in my day you whipper snappers, not everyone had the internet.

It's amazing the changes my life might have taken.

I would have never met some of the amazing people I am blessed enough to still call friends. I would probably have never seen the movie Anaconda with one of said friends and screamed like a banshee. I would have never driven all over town to visit everyone we knew with another. These friends of mine would have never gone out of their way to drive me where ever because I was the youngest and didn't have a car.

 I would never have met one of the 3 guys I have ever had a relationship with and learned a lot about what I want in a guy.

I would never have had the chance to learn to beer bong (I think).  Would have never been to one of the best New Year's parties I have ever been to still to this day. I would have never dated identical twins (at the same time)  as a result of this party.

I would have never taken the time to try to sell shit via chatroom for the purpose of entertaining my drunken mother and the annoyance of those populating said chatroom.

My mother would have never met my step father. Which means we would have never moved to Grand Prairie. Which means I would have never become friends wit my husband's ex wife's sister.Which means I would not have the little babies that I do.

Isn't it amazing the path you are sent down and the tools God uses to guide us through life? How would your life be without the internet? What are some of the other paths the Lord has taken you down to mold you into who you are today?

You can't fix crazy

So, I have my mother blocked on facebook. I don't speak to her. PERIOD. Why you might ask? Because you can't fix crazy.

My mother isn't and hasn't been a mother since I was about 11. When I was 11 my parents marriage was over. Even though they couldn't tell, I could. How could I tell? My mother used to drive my brother and I to school and she would drop him off first and bad mouth my father all the way to my school.

My mother is one of those persons that will drain her children's bank accounts and never repay them. My mother is one of those persons who always put her own needs head of mine then denied doing so.

After years of mental and physical abuse I decided that I didn't feel like she was a healthy person to have in my life anymore. What was the final draw? An argument over money. In a previous blog I mentioned my mother's last known suicide attempt where I moved in with her to support her. She promised to pay me back one day.  There came a day where I had to "borrow" money owed to me to make my own bills and at this point she had not paid back the full amount owed. So after hitting my brother up for money and being denied she calls me screaming demanding her money back. I decided I was tired of being screamed at and belittled by my own parent. Hence, we have not talked in a year and a half.

I know per the Bible I am supposed to honor my mother. She just makes it so very hard. My life has been drama free. I don't get anxiety every time her name pops up on the caller I.D. She may feel I am keeping my children from her but even prior to cutting communication off she wasn't exactly an involved grandparent. Plus if I can save them from the same crap she put me through I feel justified in my actions.

So, she's blocked on facebook. All the way blocked. I got tired of her going on my friends pages and other family members and talking about me. Calling me names etc. The same verbal abuse that has existed my entire life spewing from her mouth.

Moral of the story? Facebook privacy options saves sanity.

1 more Monday

I'm trying to think if I ever really can tell people things in my blog that I haven't already said on facebook. Maybe I do just a tiny bit.  Today marks 7 days left of my maternity leave. I'm having mixed feelings on this. I realize this is the end of the largest chunk of time I will probably ever spend with the baby for the rest of his life. It's really gotten me thinking about my career goals.

Part of me says "Hey, I'll become a teacher so I can have summer breaks with them." What happens to this though once they grow up and move away? Can I stomach other people's children long enough to make it a lasting career? Am I the kind of person that can stay home 3 months a year without going stir crazy? The last 3 months of my maternity leave have been great but they have also resulted in noticing a lot about myself.

First observation; I'm way lazy when it comes to cleaning my house normally. I have spent the last 3 weeks hell bent on keeping the house picked up and yes, actually making my bed every day. I admire those moms who have the spotless homes while even despite all of my efforts my house is still very very cluttered.

Second observation; While I love the house that we had built we are seriously lacking in storage space. I will be rectifying by purchasing shelves and decorative storage boxes.

Third observation; The reason behind my giant behind is that I am lazy and I get bored and I eat when I am bored. I know I'm not alone in this but still, I am either going to have to lose this weight or buy an alarm that will sound when I back up.

Fourth observation; I loooooove my family but in the last 6 1/2 years of being a wife and mother I have lost me. I've neglected friendships. I've neglected myself. My husband and I do so much together and are hardly apart. I don't know if that's healthy or unhealthy. I think we are to a point in our marriage that we should be able to and driven to establish lives outside of each other but still be able to come back to our family. If you know my husband you know that he is not always the most social, out going person. If you know me then you know I am the complete opposite.  I am going to concentrate a lot of myself to getting back to me. Aside from not liking my exterior I LOVE my interior. I used to be fun, spontaneous and well.......kind of out there.

So look out world because Missy is coming back! With a few alterations of course. More God and less booze this time. Let's hope for a cutback in the F bombs as well as we all know this will be the biggest tes I've ever had ....  :)

Step Parenting

I was reading a fellow step mommy's blog today. She expressed her emotions now that she is pregnant with a biological child how she feels toward her own step son. She expressed that the case was she didn't love hi any more or any less. She just loved him differently.

I think as a step parent at times you are expected to act a certain way. Most people expect you to take that child and love them as your own. Don't get me wrong, you do love that child with all of your heart but it's a different kind of love when you have kids of your own. I love my step son. He is my son. You can't parent a child for 6 years and be the primary parent basically and not love a child. I guess you can, but I don't see how you can. In saying that, I have two biological children of my own who I love. With no expressions of grandeur I just love them. They are part of me. This doesn't make me love our oldest any less just because I didn't give birth to him. (despite what some people think)

Other people expect you to hate your step kids and for them to hate you. These kids already have a mother or a father and they don't need you for anything.

There are those lucky few who get to be their step kids friend and love them just the same without the pressure of having to be the parent, care taker or disciplinarian. I envy these lucky few.
In my experience in step parenting it comes as almost a second job. You have to show your spouse you can accept and love their child. For a lot of single parents dating with children this is a requisite. Love my kid or I don't love you. You have to show your spouses family that no matter what you will treat that child as an equal to your own. You have to show the other parent you will love their child even though they may resent you or you them. That kid is your common ground. In some cases you have to prove to their family, friends, and acquaintances you love that kid too.

You can never ever show the slightest difference towards the monkey in the middle aka step kid. In the beginning of these types of relationships a lot of step parents or step parents to be walk on egg shells because you have to prove so much to so many others when the only person you really should be worrying about is yourself and that kid and the type of relationship you have.

In a perfect world people would mind their own business. People meaning all factors that are not you, your partner and the other bio parent. Alas we do not live in a perfect world. If we did the bio parents could get along without using the child as a bargaining chip. There wouldn't be extreme animosity between SP (step parent) and BP (bio parent).  Maybe someday I will create a step mommying self help program. It'll be step one in my way to creating a step Utopia. :)

Weekend say what?

This weekend was an eventful mess.  It also seems like I crammed a whole lot of mess in a little bit of time.

Friday the bestie and I went to the Stars hockey game. I had a $12 salad and a bud light. Together.....wasn't too shabby.
After dinner we go to arena to find our seats and I had my first true wtf moment of 2011. We decide after our salads we are ok to order cheese blogs. Nothing says good times like nacho cheese. No really..it's true. We get in line, bestie is first. She goes to an open line and I go to the next.

Holy crap this guy looks familiar. Then we speak. It's my mother's ex husband. Yes, the same ex husband who used to knock her around. The same ex husband she chose over my brother and I time and again. Now that I'm a mother myself the reason of "well, you and your brother will eventually move away so it doesn't matter if you like him or not." The same ex husband who my mother attempted suicide over at least 3 times that I know of.  The 3rd time of which I got a call from him when I was 22 asking me to come over to take care of her because he had something to do. The same ex husband that attempted to give my brother and I alcohol poisoning in our teens to teach us a lesson on drinking. The same ex husband that convinced my mother I was a tramp even when I was a virgin. This guy made my life royally suck for 5 years. He mooched off my mother when he wasn't putting her down or telling her that my brother and I were out of control.

My brother and I even ran away from home back to Kansas to our dad's house because we just couldn't take the drama. If I had to sit through one more car ride with my mother telling me I needed to tone myself down or he was going to leave her I was going to scream!!

To this day I am still trying to fathom how my mom could choose him over her children. Especially being a mother myself. If anything were to happen in my marriage I know that moving forward I would still choose my children over any man. I wouldn't let a man degrade my 16 and 17 year old children. I wouldn't choose to try to take my own life because said man made me so miserable. I wouldn't form a prescription pill popping habit just because he was doing it too.

My mother committed crimes for this man. She tried to take her own life. The last time that I am aware of was when I was 22. I tried to commit her. Everyone else voted against me. I moved back in to help support her because she didn't have a job and she accused me of taking advantage of her. I will never understand my mother.

Needless to say, he sucks. Hard. I had to suck it up and he acted as if we were close as close can be. I showed him pictures of the kids and gave him an incorrect phone number when he asked for what. Took my Dr. Pepper and soggy fries back to my seat.

Other than this trip down Traumatize Lane the game was a good time. Even though the stars lost. Boo.

Saturday we ran errands for 3 hours and then went to church. Have I mentioned I LOOOOOOVE my church. Every week is a sermon that just hits me. I feel like each week it's something that my heart is needing to hear.

Today we haven't done ANYTHING except snuggle our babies and lay by the fire. I think the busy day yesterday and the wtf moment from Friday culminated is my needing to just sit and be lazy.

I have faith envy

This weekend will mark the 1 year anniversary of when our family decided to give a local church a try and found a home. We have been able to invest ourselves into the community of this church that we are now members. We have accepted the Lord into our lives and are serving him and looking for more opportunities to do so.

With that being said, I have faith envy. I am surrounded by so many people whose lives are so full or their faith. They speak the Good News of Jesus in all things that they do. I find myself being envious of their ability to just speak on Him as much as possible.

I also keep in mind to myself that even though it's been a year I am a new Christian grass hopper so to speak. I feel this year will be when I come into my own to serve the Lord and to speak about Him. To lead my middle school kids and my own children to know Him and to have a relationship with Him.

I resolve to mirror these women of who I have faith envy and to use their examples to display on the outside just how devoted I am to Him on the inside. 

New Year

I don't see how stay at home moms do it. I had a week of 3 kids by myself. That's enough to drive anyone to crazy town.

This was our first time having K for more than a weekend. It was a mixed behavior time. While he took the time to play with his sister he used it as time to alternate between playing nicely and saying things that hurt her feelings.  We only had a couple of instances where he put his hands on her. Each time he was reprimanded he chose to lie even though I caught him with my own eyes. Apparently he thinks I will believe I am just seeing things.

It seems his first reaction to ANY question is to lie. Even the simplest of questions prompted a lie.

"K did you brush your teeth?"
"Yes"
"There's is no tooth paste in your bathroom. How did you brush you teeth?"
"Um I don't know."

A simple, "not yet" would have sufficed. He's horrible at lying so honestly, I don't know why he even tries. I also found a flashlight in his bag that he has been using to stay up after bed time to read at our house and his moms. I am firm believer in kids needing their sleep. I took the flashlight so he could get some rest and forgot to slip it back into his bag. I let him mom know.  She laughed. A lot. It was quite funny. She really seem to care how his behavior was this week. It's nice to know that someone else is on my side to keep him from behaving however he wants to behave.

Enough about that....

It's the New Year. I've decided that this year I am going to take control of my life. Financially and Fitness wise I want to be on top of everything. I set a budget for our family and we will be sticking to it come hell or high water. The days of being in financial straights is over for us.

I also am going to be focusing on my weight. I had overweight parents (sorry dad if you're reading this) and I don't want to be one. I have a lot of self esteem issues because I didn't just let myself go in the weight department. I took my weight out to a deserted area and set it free and it has run wild for a few years now. I learned a lot of my self hate from my mother who always seemed to be on one diet or another. She also loved to point out my flaws or weight issues if the opportunity arose. I refuse to do that my kids. If I can start now then I can teach them the importance of being healthy. Hubs will be my work out partner. We have all of the stuff in the house, we just need to use it.

As a family we are doing a lot more togetherness this year.  Meals will now be eaten at the dining table instead of the coffee table. We also decided that we will take this time to read the Bible as a family. We want to worship Christ as a family. In the year we've been attending church we have grown so much closer and we want to continue with that.

These are my plans. I know I rambled on a bit.....but hey...if you know me in real life you know I talk a lot anyways. Do you really expect me to be short and to the point in print?